2/25/09
Bear Facts
Two guys were hunting in the forest when they unexpectedly came across a very large brown bear. Immediatey, they both took off running. After a few minutes, one guy abruptly stopped running, took off his backpack, and pulled out a pair of running shoes.
The other guy saw this and was wondering what was going on. So he stopped, ran back to the first guy and asked, "Why are you putting on your running shoes? Do you really think you are going to be able to out run that bear with those?"
The
other guy replied, "I don't have to out run the bear, I just
have to out run YOU!"
The Right Equipment
A married couple went on a fishing trip. The husband went out on the lake with his boat and equipment, while the wife took a nap in the cabin. Later that afternoon, the husband returns to take a nap. So, the wife takes the boat to the middle of the lake, takes out a book and starts reading.
After a while a game warden comes along in his boat and tells her that she is in a restricted fishing area. She says that she is not fishing, just reading a book.
"But, you have all this fishing equipment, so I will have to fine you." said the game warden.
She replied, "Do that, and I'll have you arrested for rape."
"But lady! I haven't touched you!" exclaimed the game warden.
Matches
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.
Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.
They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.
About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."
Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."
2/12/09
The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC: "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote. Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous...even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community.
(Campground Owner)
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."
Camping Teamwork
The loaded mini van pulled into the only remaining campsite.
Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and
setting up the tent.
The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the
camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "Sir, that is some
display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until
the camp is set up."
Two Men Camping
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".
The other replied, "No, it's not!".
The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.
To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover."
Camper Comments
These are actual comments left on U. S. Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
- "A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
- "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
- "Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
- "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
- "Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
- "All the mile markers are missing this year."
- "Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
- "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
- "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
- "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
- "Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
- "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
- "Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
- "Need more signs to keep area pristine."
- "A McDonald's would be nice at the trail head."
- "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
- "Too many rocks in the mountains."
Relaxing Weekends
Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.
Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:
"Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."
- When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
- Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
- Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
- When smoking a fish, never inhale.
- A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
- The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
- Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag.
- While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely un heard of. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
- Effective January 1, 2010, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.
- Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
- You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
- You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
- When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
- You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
- Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
- A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
- A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
- You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
- In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
- The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
- Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."
- The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
- It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
- Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
- A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of politicians for toilet paper.
- In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.
Elementary, My Dear Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Just perused your blog. Very nice job, Sid.
Posted by: Terri Strunck | March 09, 2009 at 11:18 AM